When Toxic Positivity in Deconstruction is the Goal

I'm OK with being horrified at my past christian self. Some White life coaches? Not so much.

When Toxic Positivity in Deconstruction is the Goal

I recently read about a guy named Barry Baker Jr. who went viral years ago for sucker punching a man with cerebral palsy. Security cameras showed Baker taunting and then just punching the man in the face. Baker was tracked down, sentenced, and in a tragic twist, he was out on bail and led police on a high-speed chase where he lost control of his motorcycle…and died. The social media posts called it “karma,” which is an affront to my South Asian friends, but my point here is that I wish Baker had been allowed to heal from his tumultuous past, so he could feel the pain and the weight of his past actions. To me, feeling pain is a privilege. But to some deconstruction life coaches? Not so much.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I can hear you saying right now. Stay with me.

Last month I wrote another piece that got a lot of attention. It was about Joshua Harris and began with my musing about how I am, to this day, horrified and ashamed of things I said and did when I was a Christian. It’s not like a debilitating horror and shame, but more like a jolt whenever I think back on those days. Cool. My friend Rick Pidcock created a quote graphic thing of me saying something about being ashamed of hurtful things I said and did, and many people resonated with it. Except a self-described “deconstruction coach” and an educator. To them it seems having ANY regret or shame about past actions is the worst possible thing. Here’s my quote:

"Do I have some compassion for my former self? Sure. But I would do anything to be able to go back and NOT hurt my friend with my insipid theology and confidently ignorant words. Compassion for how I was raised and indoctrinated is tempered with absolute horror, shame, and anger at that kid. Well-meaning as he was, he hurt someone, deeply."

— R Scott Okamoto

Deconstruction coach, Megan, had this to say:

We cannot full evolve and heal when we hold shame, horror, and anger to the parts of us that once held and propagated those belief systems. I once taught damaging theological beliefs to other women-that led to their further harm…but I came to a level of awareness that allowed me to radically embrace the wounds of myself that let me to such beliefs. As I validated those wounds and parts of me with deep love and compassion my anger, horror, and shame began to dissipate- we cannot heal with those emotions holding firm.

She went on for about 500 more words to break down the specific effects of the terms I used, “shame,” “horror,” and “anger,” explaining how these things prevent her from what she calls “pure compassion,” which she means for herself. None for the victims of her words and actions. And she finishes with this:

Because I do not look back on that kid (me) with horror, shame, and anger…I embrace her with compassion, love, safety. Which means I can also do so with others who are in pain and fear.

For this life coach, the worst thing we can do is feel bad for something we said or did. For Megan there is this absolute binary of either feeling bad (which is…bad) or having compassion and love for oneself. And only for oneself, apparently. The educator who chimed in saying basically the same thing, someone named Janyne, said,

Saying he has compassion for his younger self and “absolute horror, shame, and anger” at him in the same sentence is painful and equally harmful for those who struggle with forgiving themselves.

Equally harmful? Are we reading the same words here?

Here’s the thing: I don’t forgive myself. As someone who is not a Christian any more, I don’t forgive a lot of things. I don’t let things that anger or sadden me paralyze me or hinder my growth, but I also use my past transgressions to help me be better and do better.

My whole point about Joshua Harris was that I don’t think he can come back from what he did as a Purity Culture…anything. He should feel bad for the rest of his life for his role in the I Kissed Dating Goodbye evil empire. So should Oppenheimer. The pilots of the Enola Gay should feel bad the rest of their lives. Apparently, one did, but the other took the deconstruction life coach approach and forgave himself. Great. For him.

Let me do what the life coach and educator did not do and try to understand some context here. I get their being triggered by words like shame, horror, and anger. Ignoring the fact that they didn’t read the quote very closely or the essay at all, they responded to the words I chose. Again, for them, these are horrible feelings to be completely eradicated from a person’s psyche. But…

This is White privilege.

This is history.

If you can’t feel shame for things you said and did, how are you going to feel shame and guilt for the racist legacy of this country. Don’t feel bad! You’re all better now! Move on and love yourself with pure compassion! In red states, they call this being “anti-woke.” They passed laws forbidding teachers from assigning anything that might make White kids feel bad. So, nothing about slavery, civil rights, Japanese incarceration, Chinese exclusion acts, or anything that might make a White kid feel discomfort in the form of shame or horror at what White people have done.

In my view, feeling bad for past actions and even past actions I didn’t do but I do benefit from, can make me a better person. As I said earlier, I don’t think we dwell on these bad things to the point of paralysis or self-harm. But I do keep them in mind to remind myself to be better and do better today.

In the past 25 years I have reached out, in person and in writing, to many old friends to apologize for things I said in the name of Jesus. They have all forgiven me, and some said they didn’t need an apology. But I still feel bad. I fully admit I said some shitty things.

It’s a failure of imagination and a severe limitation of self-reflection to think that feeling badly for past actions means you can’t also have compassion and love for yourself. I think it’s toxic positivity, frankly.

And finally, the race card. CW- my feelings based on a lifetime of similar experiences. I spent my entire childhood and part of my early adulthood feeling ashamed for just being Japanese American. I got better. But while I felt bad about myself, I also was musician of the year at my high school, had two cool girlfriends and lots of friends, got into my dream college, became a writer and English professor, and met the woman I’ve been blissfully married to for over 30 years. In most ways, my life was pretty great despite feeling ashamed of being Japanese American. But some people with absolute privilege cannot fathom a life worth living with any negative feelings.

These women were so quick to jump on me and spout their toxic positivity on a public thread. First of all, they simply didn’t believe me when I said I DO have compassion for my former self. And then the level of Whitesplaining leveled at me with sanctimonious lecturing and finger wagging felt horribly familiar. I’ve heard these voices all my life. It really feels like they woke up that day and looked for a “lesser” being to correct, and they found me. In my typical fashion, I triggered some White people because they got mad at me for saying I feel ashamed for things I said and did. And they who did similar things do not. In fact, they refuse to feel anything but love and compassion…for themselves. Not a single word about how they feel about the people they harmed. Not. A. Single. Word.

About a dozen other mostly White people, who are not life coaches or educators, simply read the quote and said they could relate. Those are people I want to be in community with because those people understand the human condition as flawed and they understand the value of empathy.

The life coach ended with the word “safe.” I don’t believe in safety. This world is not safe for me. It’s not safe for women. I believe in the concept of a “safe space” in the sense that the space is only in the context of the company we keep. I try to be a “safe” person and an ally, but I promise you I will say the wrong thing sometime. I will unconsciously act as a man of privilege and power. But I will be ashamed of that, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to correct myself and make amends.

I’m sure Megan and Janyne are fine people in their own right. But they read a very short couple of sentences and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt and wonder if some greater context might be needed to understand the quote. And despite the dozen other people who responded positively to my short quote, they felt the need to correct all of us. The reason I’m being tough on them is because they have positioned themselves as people of influence. Their reach into deconstruction communities is potentially a lot greater than mine, and if they’re spouting this toxic self-positivity bullshit, I’m calling it out.

My life is filled with compassion and horror, and I am grateful for it all. It is a privilege to be able to sit with grief, anger, horror, and shame. Again, not to dwell on these things, but to hold space for them in the context of a life of compassion and empathy for loved ones and community. I’ll never not be ashamed of things I said and did as a Christian, and I’m ok with that.

And Barry Baker Jr. never got to experience this. He committed a heinous, cruel crime and was never given the chance to feel the weight of his actions. This would have given him the chance to be heartbroken by the harm he caused, which would then allow him to decide what to do with his life based on this perspective. Feeling horror at his unspeakable actions was a privilege he never got to experience. He was a piece of shit human, yes. But my way of rehabilitating him would look very different than that of the life coach and the educator. They would have him be in safe, pure compassion for himself. I would have him use the horror he felt to be a better human that focused on his healing and that of his victim’s.

I know, I know. #notalllifecoaches and #notalleducators. But I’m asking you to just let me have my shame, horror, and anger. I can use them for good. I promise.