The Irresistible Allure of Whiteness in Deconstruction

A piece about some issues inside the deconstruction world. Feel free to ignore if not your thing. But this is going to be extra saucy!

UPDATE: Both Brian Recker and someone named Jamiethefitmom (0 followers on IG) have offered the following corrections to my piece. Jamie, who is apparently a fit mom, pointed out that Recker has “amplified the voices of several non-white, women, and queer creators, authors, and experts.” She also says he “interviewed Jo Luehmann about decolonizing christianity.” I fully admit I didn’t see Jo on his IG page, but as you will read, I never said he doesn’t interact with or amplify other voices. And interviewing someone about decolonizing is not the same thing as doing the difficult and complex work of decolonizing. The examples below just show that he tends to avoid talking about race in moments the topic really seems warranted. This tells me, in my opinion, that Recker has not done the work. And I’ve been informed by a few people that Recker is not married. I was fooled by a recent video of him and what I wrongly assumed is the mother of his children informing the kids that they are all going to Disneyworld. That was my error. Jamie the fit mom said regarding my error, “You are an academic, I don’t think your piece upholds the standards you set for your students’ work or your own.” If you read ANY of these pieces, you will know I am certainly not an academic, and this is not academic writing. But I did get some things wrong. I admit it. My bad. I don’t plan on attacking any more public figures in future writings, but if I do, Jamie’s words will be present in my head.

Which brings me to the main point of revisiting this piece.

I never intended for anyone beyond my followers to read this piece. Everything I write and create only goes to a select, lovely group of people who see me. But again, that’s my fault in assuming that here on Substack. All these years of miniscule engagement and suddenly when I’m counting on miniscule engagement…ah irony. Had I known Recker, a fit mom, and about 1300 extra people would be reading this, I wouldn’t have been so specific about my problems with the man. I was making the argument for my followers, many of whom do like him. I have been asked by many why I’m not a fan, so I was explaining my reasons. Errors of Recker’s family aside, I stand by my opinion and examples and remain if full support of Janice Lagata who has felt disrespected by her experience with him. I just never meant this to be a widely public conversation because, well, you’ll read on. I’m not used to being heard.

I have added some notes to the original piece to mark the places I regret.

Beer Theology Camp just ended, and the posts about it seem to confirm my opinion that the deconstruction world, especially the progressive Christian part, is still a White space. Sure there was an Asian American woman and a Black person or two in the lineup of speakers, but they aren’t in the cool, funny posts with the more famous influencers

Ah, Brian Recker. If there were a picture in the dictionary next to “Deconstruction Influencer,” it would be him. White man. Skinny. Tattooed. Full-facial…haired. Wife who looks like a super model..ed. 3 kids…ed. [Note: this is not correct] Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with any of these descriptors. Recker is a former pastor who graduated from Bob Jones University. More on that later, but this is not really about him.

It’s about me. And a bunch of us non-White voices in the deconstruction world who have been largely ignored by the deconstruction world. When we all were in evangelicalism, yes even in BIPOC evangelical spaces, our minds were colonized by Whiteness. Our first instinct was to line up behind a cool White pastor, author, social media guru, etc. Sometimes a woman but mostly it’s men. Fucking men. And by “line up,” I mean find meaning in, deriving a point of view from, and an identity in. Like incels to Joe Rogan or evangelicals to Trump. For the deconstruction world right now, it’s Brian Recker. Hearty nod to [redacted because I’m already skating on thin ice…although none of these guys have the slightest clue as to who I am]. But all these guys…fuck it…Piper, Mannenga, Garcia, Whitaker, et al, have assumed the role of deconstruction “pastors.” They all say good things, and I like them…not so much Recker…but I also don’t need a pastor. I want friends and community (Content Warning). I want information (SWAJ and Chrissy Stroop). I want shared humanity. And I want it far away from White-centered evangelical christianity. So nothing against the famous deconstruction White dudes as people. Truly. Glad they do what they do, but I do not need anyone to point out theological problems with the church, racism, homophobia, transphobia, patriarchy, etc because I, like most of you, already know. And I really don’t care about saving the church. I don’t even care about burning it all down. I just want to build community and a future where we all can thrive and party our asses off. And if any of those White influencers want to be in community with me, cool. It’s not likely, but I’m open to it. Again, not Recker. More why later.

But we can’t get there if we, or they, don’t decolonize from Whiteness. It’s the default setting for everyone coming out of evangelicalism. Hell, it’s the default setting for America.

When I was teaching at Azusa Pacific University (1998-2013), I would make arguments for progressive Christianity while discussing “controversial” topics like “homosexuality,” “social justice,” “feminism,” and “racism.” It was rare for any student to engage with these arguments, with some getting quite angry with me for even uttering such perversions and blasphemies in their presence. There was rarely any good faith interactions with students regarding race, gender, or sexuality. Just angry rants, folded arms, and scowling faces. They resented me even bringing it up.

I don’t remember what year it was, but one day a young woman sat down in front of me and excitedly held up a book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood, by Rachel Held Evans. She told me she was going through this book with a discipleship group and highlighted some of what they had already discussed. This book, she said, was life-changing. I was a little perplexed. Those exact same points about “Christian womanhood” had been made in class in the weeks prior…by me. And this young woman had fought me on them. Vehemently. Yes, women in evangelical spaces tend to be the footsoldiers of the patriarchy.

Before I could say anything, some of the boys in the class started trolling, as they often did. They said Evans was a “feminazi,” (wonder where they got that one from?) One boy called her a “heretic.” Things got heated between the sexes, but I just picked up the book and looked at the back. Ah, an attractive White woman. Of course.

And this is nothing against Evans, may she rest in peace. I agreed with everything I read…mostly. As pissed as the boys were at her point of view and apparently, her existence, I felt like she was pulling her punches. She was a gentle voice advocating for real, human “womanhood.”

On Facebook, she would be the gentle voice calling Christians to be more kind, more inviting of LGBTQ folks and to not be racist. It was all mind-blowing for my students and life-changing for some of the more open-minded women. It was kind of enraging for me. I couldn’t even get students to engage with my own gentle prodding on the same topics of race and gender, but a White woman on social media was blowing their minds, positively and negatively, with the same exact prodding.

At the time, I put my feelings aside and just propped up Evans in class discussions. I write in my book all about feeling invisible at APU, so If I couldn’t get students to engage in the topics of bigotry and patriarchy, I’d bring in the White woman who could. It was a pedagogical choice. Some of the women loved her, but certainly not all. Being equal to men in any way was a non-starter for the true believers. Almost all of the boys were beside themselves with fear and loathing for her, and they were mostly unteachable. But in the back of my mind (and in the front of my mind today), I knew that a Japanese American in White spaces like APU could never have the same impact as a White person, positively or negatively. Letting Evans express the notion that being kind to gay people or being mindful of racism got a lot more traction than when I said it.

Lesson learned: In evangelical spaces, my voice has less value than White voices.

Long after APU, I rejoined twitter at the beginning of 2019, eager to get into the conversations with other “#ExVangelicals.” I followed everyone I could on tweet threads with Blake Chastain and Chrissy Stroop. I saw tweets from Evans, and decided she was good for Christians. That was her audience, though I wondered if the Christians who needed to hear her views were following her. It all felt a little too Christian-centered for me, a fully gone agnostic. But sure. She would point out that bigotry is bad, queer people are beloved, women are equal to men, and today’s evangelicals were probably wrong about a lot of things. Awesome. For someone like me, it was basic Humanity 101, but I was glad she was out there pushing back.

And then that seemingly inconsequential tweet about going to the hospital followed by the news that Evans had passed away. If it was a gut-punch for me, it was absolute devastation for those who loved her and had their faith and their very lives changed by her work. In the back of my mind, I also wondered why people needed someone like Evans to understand the simple notion that people deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity. Based on the reactions to some, it seemed some people really felt the message, itself, was in jeopardy with the loss of Evans. The messenger was more important than the message, and the messenger had to be White.

How to proceed…

I like to think that if Evans were still here, she would be elevating the voices of lots of people out here doing the work. She might even be directly involved in Content Warning. We’ll never know for sure, and there have been grumblings respectful of her but noting that BIPOC and Queer voices in the same universe as Evans were often overlooked despite the fact that they were saying the same things, often in much bolder terms and with much more historical context.

And despite the grumblings on the fringes of the Exvangelical world, I’ve never heard anything bad about Evans as a person. I know people who didn’t like the Christian-centeredness or the gentle tack she took but never heard about her being anything but a nice person. And I don’t want to know if she wasn’t a nice person, so do not tell me if she wasn’t. I already have so little faith in most cis-het White influencers these days. I do have to acknowledge White people who saw me immediately. Chrissy Stroop, Blake Chastain, Emily Torres, Julie Ingersol, Chad Shobert and several others followed me and listened to me before I even had 100 followers.

Now. Brian Recker. I know one person who hated him when he was at BJU. [Note: this was petty of me] He was a dick when Janice Lagata confronted him, and she has receipts. He uses multiple examples of Black Christians on his Instagram posts decrying the problems with evangelical Christianity, even while admitting in one that this is a mostly White problem. There are so many White evangelicals he could be going after, so why the focus on criticizing Black evangelical pastors and influencers?

[Note: yearbook photo of Recker at BJU removed because that was petty of me too]

Recker posted about the recent execution of Marcelus Williams, which a lot of us did. But the entire focus was on the theology of executions. Not a single word about race, racism, anti-blackness, the history of the South…nothing. To him it’s just an issue of the manner in which justice is done with bible verses as his main argument. That and his treatment of Janice are the deal breakers for me. I wondered about Recker’s deconstruction since I first saw him. I even listened to him being interviewed on podcasts. In his own words telling his own story, he does not talk about decolonizing his Whiteness. But I only listened to a few podcasts with White hosts, so I gave him a cautious benefit of the doubt before I said anything publicly. And then the Janice situation and the Williams post. And here we are.

But as with Evans, this is not about Recker. Well, it kind of is because I really don’t like him. Too Christian-centric for me. Too much glamorous influencer vibes. He’s becoming a brand and a would-be guru with people gushing about how amazing he is. Most of the deconstruction world is in love with the guy, so , as usual, I’m on the fringes of a movement. And unlike Evans, he’s not even saying most of the same things we’re all saying with his earnest mustachioed mug on tik tok and Instagram. He mostly points out that the church has it wrong on so many things regarding sexuality with bible verses to bolster his claims. For most of us, the posts aren’t big news. But when he says it, a lot of people cream themselves, gushing about how amazing he is and my how courageous he is to take such a stand! You’re so right, Brian! Thank you for saying this, Brian! I feel seen for the first time, Brian! The fawning is generally about sexuality. But race? Hard to comment on something that is never brought up. Even when he quotes James Baldwin, he somehow finds a quote that has nothing to do with race. That’s kind of like quoting chef Bobby Flay talking about theology. Interesting, but it’s not what he’s known for. My point is that he goes far out of his way to avoid talking about race.

I do honor the fact that people are helped by Recker’s posts. He generally says good things. It’s just that some people apparently need to hear it from an attractive cis hetero White person with all the life accessories of a megachurch pastor. And those same people will ignore other voices who say the exact same things with more context and others who talk about race because we feel it is one of the central topics of deconstruction. Even when Recker grazes the subject of race, he somehow makes it just about the bible. No talk of the injustices and harm done or the need to heal from White christian Nationalism. And the one time he actually speaks to a Black person on IG, it’s about gentle parenting. Not race. For the record, the concept of gentle parenting is great. Glad he’s talking about it. He also did shout out my former student, Brit Barron, who just wrote a book. Did he mention race? No. He did not.

I’m trying not to be a petty asshole (but that’s often how I am perceived) as I ask the deconstruction world to ask itself: Why do you need to worship and adore certain White influencers over everyone else? Actually, why do you need to worship and adore anyone? Not that you need to care about anything I say or think, but it seems problematic to elevate people to demigod or guru status. Just my opinion.

And before you say, “I don’t do whatever it is you’re saying,” fine, but Janice Lagata doesn’t have 168k followers and a book deal. She has a respectable 13k Instagram followers after doing this work for many many years. All facts and truths being equal, certain cis-hetero male White influencers who do only some of the work a lot of us do, and not nearly as effectively, sure do have a lot more followers. Janice even has a similar story to Recker. She’s a former higher-up at Hillsong NYC to Recker’s former pastor story. Janice is funny. Recker isn’t trying to be funny or entertaining as far as I can tell. He just talks in a rather flat tone while flashing a lot of skin. He’s not clever and he doesn’t put much effort into his posts. A lot of his posts do emanate a certain sexy/thirsty vibe. Maybe that’s the draw, but to me, this is White cis-het male privilege.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m even writing and creating when I see a Recker accumulate 168k followers and book deal in just a few months. But I do know why. My little space as a podcaster with around 1000 subscribers, my book that sold around [number too embarrassing to share] copies, and this substack with all of you is meaningful to me. I hear from some of you, and it means the world to me. I don’t want to influence. I want to connect. And the fact that you’re reading this or listening to Chapel Probation, The Horny Chapel, or Asians in Baseball means you see BIPOC people. You read and hear what I say. Thank you.

Now, because I actually am kind of a petty asshole, go unfollow Brian Recker. [note: I said this satirically. Most of my followers don’t even know who he is] For the cause. You won’t miss anything you can’t get elsewehere, and honestly, he won’t miss you. Especially if you’re not White. Instead, follow Tori Williams Douglass, Brad Onishi, and all the folks I mentioned in this piece. Just don’t look to them as gurus. This is a community that shares values and information, and we all have ways to contribute.