My ears feel hot and sweaty as I type this. It could be because people are reading advance copies of my book and talking about me, but it’s likely more to do with the fact that I’ve been recording my audiobook for Asian American Apostate: Losing Religion and Finding Myself at an Evangelical University. These studio headphones are comfy but after an hour or so, they get kinda hot. I’m rambling.
So much happening these days in regards to my future as a writer and podcaster, and it’s all just outside of my grasp. This past year has been amazing, but it sometimes feels like I’m just shouting into the void, speaking into microphones not plugged into anything buy my own psyche, typing words into a feedback loop of community and self-indulgence. But somewhere on the horizon is…something. A book. Maybe speaking engagements? More opportunities? Or obscurity after a valiant effort? These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.
As a fourth generation Japanese American, there is always a quiet voice in the back of my head, saying, “No one cares what you have to say. Who asked you, anyway?” And then a message from someone who listens to Chapel Probation in Atlanta, Michigan, Texas, or Oregon tells me I’m being heard. The messages form a network of synapses connecting themselves to each other and to me, forcing the awful voice in my head down into a crease.
Also in my head is a jittery White Jesus sulking about, occasionally throwing out a platitude or trite evangelical saying. I’ve got him under control, though he sometimes wanders into conversations or situations I’m pondering, ranting like the homeless guy who walks around the 7/11 parking lot a block from my house. It only takes a second to shoo him away, but I’m amazed he’s still around at all given the beating he’s received from my progress as a person devoted to human flourishing.
I’m sharing these vulnerable thoughts with you all today because I now have to put on a confident face and go into “marketing mode.” It felt a little strange talking to a reporter for Publishers Weekly last week who was interested in my book and me. But it was a good start to this new journey, as I answered questions and even defended some of my choices in writing the book. You can read the article here.
The woman interviewing me seemed to view the book as angry, highly controversial, and potentially dangerous overall. Certainly there is a lot of that in it, but I surprised her by telling her I thought it was a hopeful book. After thinking about the interview over the weekend, it occurred to me that people will come away with different conclusions, depending on their background. For the journalist, a Jewish Boomer, she was amazed that I could use the word, “fuck” so often, and that I had super negative feelings about evangelicals. She suggested I was perhaps overgeneralizing the term at the exclusion of progressive evangelicals. She isn’t necessarily wrong, but that’s how she took the book, which she said caught her eye. To her credit, the book did catch her eye, and she wanted to explore both it and me as a writer, acknowledging writer’s like me are rare. Yep. Me and Harry Stiles don’t get much attention. (I just found out who he is!)
But as the “blurbs” and endorsements roll in from those in my community, mostly done by BIPOC friends in my community, I can see they came away with vastly different conclusions, seeing me and often themselves in the struggle for identity and safety away from oppressive, White-centered, high demand religion.
Basically, some people will see my book as angry and profane, maybe even offensive. Others will see it as inspiring and thoughtful. And really, I meant it to be both. When it all shakes out, just remember I knew what I was doing when I wrote and edited. Whatever you’re seeing, I meant for you to see it. Unless you’re seeing pink elephants or polka dots, in which case you should seek medical assistance.
The book could be used as a litmus test for how the reader views Asian American men. If you are shocked and offended by things I say and observe or if you find inspiration and comfort in my story, you are reacting based on what you think or assume of me. I don’t remember anyone asking Phillip Roth, Hunter S. Thompson, or Kurt Vonnegut why they used the f-word. Which is why I used it and labeled its part of speech in many of the sentences. It’s intentional and it’s fucking (verb) with assumptions readers may have about me.
I suggest you all do your own research and buy several copies of my book. Give them to people of different backgrounds and see how differently they react. For science.
Seriously, I’m grateful for all of you, my original supporters here and on my website. Once things get finalized, I’ll post at least chunks of the first chapter, as I promised last year when I started this. For now, here is the cover of the book with some “characters” I’ll be doing in future TikToks. The book should remind you of a bible or religious text. If you know you know.
The book will be released April 18 with presales happening very soon. There will be a big event launching the book hosted by my cool friends, Jenny Yang, Keiko Agena, and traci kato-kiriyama. We’ll have a big after party at my house after.
More to come.
Spring is Coming...
I care very much about what you have to say. Can't wait to read it!!