Oh, You Read That...Hello

A little panic as I watched the numbers go up each hour

Let me acknowledge what poor Brian Recker is definitely thinking if he has been made aware of my writing yesterday: Who the fuck is R Scott Okamoto?

Indeed.

Hi. I’m Scott.

And, really, In the world beyond my few hundred friends, mutuals, and followers, I’m no one. I know that when most of America sees or hears my name, they move on, expecting nothing for them to relate to or gain anything from. But if I am suddenly, and likely surprisingly, on your radar, I should explain some things.

The post going wild (I wouldn’t say viral) was just another substack. I have around 450 subscribers, at least 100 of whom are my friends and family who I just added without asking, and about half of those 450 regularly read what I write. A couple things have gotten “big” with 1500 reads, like the Oppenheimer post and the Dodgers/Baseball post has been steadily getting read for the past couple of months. But when I write about deconstruction and/or my podcast work, meh.

So when the read count start accelerating throughout the day yesterday…yikes. Had I known I was addressing a wider audience, including poor Recker himself, I would have written a little differently. Not significantly differently, but I would have extended a chance for Recker to have some redemption. That’s what we are about. I mean, truth be told, I have been warned by people who are friendly with Recker that he does not respond well to any pushback. He is known to dirty delete comments. Even when people close to him confront him they say he refuses to change. So, I wrote a thing that called out Recker as a symptom of the larger problem of White-centeredness, the problematic need for gurus and pastors, and the shitty manner in which my friend, Janice, has been treated both by him and the deconstruction world.

I often talk and write about “Whiteness” and the process of decolonizing from it. You need to know that I am not expressing anti-White views. I’m not saying Whiteness and White people are inherently bad. Whiteness is just the accepted “norm” in our culture in America. And because Whiteness is seen as better than all other identities and systems of power are erected to maintain this superiority, we all need to reset our brains to see each other and see ourselves as equally valuable. This is the only way to achieve true mutuality. Honestly, I don’t think we’ll ever get there. Not in my lifetime, for sure. But the fight for it has become our life’s work, especially in the deconstruction world.

I often say on Chapel Probation that I admire White people who work to decolonize their minds and step down from their places of privilege. My friends in the Content Warning community do this willingly and even do it joyfully. But I know it’s not easy. If it’s not easy for me, a Japanese American, to decolonize from White supremacy, it has to be that much harder for White people. I salute them. And I find myself having to learn to be seen in community with majority White people. I’m still wrestling with it, honestly.

I spoke with one of the White influencers I wrote about yesterday, catching up a bit, and I told him that getting a book published as an Asian American writer was difficult. Publishers loved the topic and the writing, but all of them gave different reasons for passing. One well-known publisher in our deconstruction world even experienced an internal clash of wills before rescinding an initial offer. And when Lake Drive Books offered me a contract, Publishers Weekly did 2 different profiles on Asian American Apostate: Losing Religion and Finding Myself at an Evangelical University. We were hopeful.

But my book came and went with hardly any sales. I went on podcasts, I did interviews, I talked to anyone who would have me, and I am so grateful to everyone who supported me. All told I did around 15 podcasts and was interviewed for several online publications. But here’s the reality for BIPOC folks in this deconstruction world, particularly for those of us who no longer identify as christian: not many people want to hear from us. Turns out most of them never have heard from us.

One interesting experience was being interviewed by a well-known White influencer-type on his podcast. He looked bored for the first 30 minutes. I eventually won him over, but damn I felt like I was back in middle school trying to assert myself for the cool kids.

In a much better experience, I was honored to be interviewed for an hour on one of the biggest podcasts in the U.S. It was an amazing interview with the host and me tearing up at the end. In the following 2 weeks after it aired, I sold exactly 1 book. And I know who bought it. And he didn’t listen to the podcast. This is nothing against the podcast or its host. It’s just reality. Over one hundred thousand people can listen to you on a premier platform and collectively say, “pass.”

But my paltry book sales is not why I do this work. As I mentioned in the piece yesterday, I love love love connecting with people. And some people have resonated with both my book and my podcasts. It is such an honor to know that Holly, a teacher in Atlanta, listens to Chapel Probation every week during her runs. I’m amazed that old friends read this substack. And I get nice emails every month from people who are inspired by the work I do. It’s an amazing experience, and I am so grateful every time. These experiences have helped me to see myself as someone with something to say.

I’ll stop with the sob story and just say that when we see a White man or woman swoop into the deconstruction world and blow up with exponentially bigger numbers and untold many more offers of advancing their platform, it is just a painful reminder that we are still seen as less than them. Even as we continue to decolonize our own minds, we have to remind ourselves what we are worth and that what we are saying and how we are saying it matters. And when a White man ascends to fame and fortune, and does not even acknowledge his privilege, frankly, it hurts. And when one of those meteoric risers is not cool with a friend, I guess I write a substack to my extremely limited but no less beloved audience. I would never do so for myself. But for friends? Hell yeah. And apparently more people read that shit.

So when I said to unfollow Brian Recker, I thought I was only talking to the few dozen followers of my substack who follow the deconstruction world. I even put a note about the subject in the header because I knew most of my followers don’t know about or give half a shit about the deconstruction world. And to them, my request stands. But I would not normally tell the greater deconstruction world to unfollow someone. Y’all are free to follow or not follow who you want. Although some of us might judge you for it.

But again, who the hell am I? Probably no one. I am who I am and whatever you perceive me to be based on your own assumptions.

Speaking of assumptions, as a bonus for this hastily written reaction essay, here is me telling a story about how the world views me. Fans of Atsuko Okatsuka might catch her peaking out behind the curtain after I’m done. And Keiko Agena’s laugh is prominent and always delightful. Hosted by Naomi Ko of Dear White People fame. In this community, I feel absolutely seen and loved.